Taco Bell

Update Review: November 2022

Another year, another World Series, another base stolen, another free taco.  I still don't plan to ever purchase something at Taco Bell, but this was probably the best taco I've had so far.

Soft Taco (refried beans). $1.99.

Since I never care for Taco Bell hard taco shells (regular or Doritos locos), I went for a soft taco this time, planning to throw it in to my panini press when I got home to crisp it up a bit.  I also opted for the only protein I haven't found horrible before, the refried beans.

The soft taco shell was about as average as it gets, but that is an ok thing, it wasn't stale at all.  The beans too, about as average as it gets, soft mushy refried beans, like I'd get in a can, no better, no worse, no real seasoning to speak of.

Soft Taco: Fresca ... but not.

I also modified my soft taco to be fresca style, which replaces the cheese with tomatoes, but, um, mine came with both.  Normally the taco comes only with lettuce and cheese, and you can add tomatoes for another $0.80, or go fresca style, and get lettuce and tomatoes.  So, I lucked out here I guess?  The lettuce was again, just totally average, shredded iceberg, but, not wilted, not brown.  Tomatoes were cubes, not too mealy.  The cheese, as always, was thinly shredded, and not melted.  Boo to the not melted factor, but, I planned to put it in my panini press anyway.

So, overall, highly average, nothing special, but not bad once I added salsa and grilled it. ***.

Update Review: May 2021

For free taco day, you know, the day in May where the moon looked like a taco, and thus Taco Bell decided to give out free tacos, I decided to use the opportunity to try one more kind of taco (why else would I go to Taco Bell and order an item I never care for?)  I certainly knew from past experience that I absolutely didn't want anything to do with the beef, and the refried beans were ... eh, so, I decided to try the other vegetarian option.  Sadly, it too left something to be desired.

Crunchy Taco. Black Bean. $1.59.

For my freebie, I tried the black bean version.  I left it otherwise unmodified, with only cheese and lettuce as the toppings.

It was decently made, with plenty of shredded cheese and iceberg lettuce.  Standard fast food quality.  A scoop of the expected black beans was in the bottom.  Crispy shell.

Overall, it was fine I guess, for what it was, but, um, I don't care for the shells at all (just like I don't like many tortilla chips), and the unmelted cheese just rubs me the wrong way.  The black beans weren't really seasoned, but at least weren't too mushy, and weren't dried out?  So for me, a major "eh".  Even if only $1.59 normally, I wouldn't pay that.

**+.

Update Review: December 2020

Yeah, yeah, yeah.   More Taco Bell.

Yes, the place I hadn't been to, ever in my life, before 2012 when I got a free taco as part of a World Series promo, and wasn't impressed.  And yet, 2020 was the year I went back, several times, as you read about in October.  I went back several more times during the COVID takeout days of early winter 2020, when the drive through really just was the easiest option (although, seriously, "fast food" it was not ... wait times in the drive through lane were ... ridiculous.  Snails pace I say!)

Chalupa Cravings Box (minus drink). $5.99.

Um, yeah.  Because it makes sense to have a taco, a chalupa, a burrito, and dessert, and a sugary drink, all in one meal.

Taco Bell thinks so, with one of their many combo or "Cravings" boxes, the Chalupa Cravings Box, which comes with ... your choice of taco (crunchy or soft), not just any burrito but the ridiculous Beefy 5-Layer Burrito, obviously the Chalupa Supreme, plus Cinnamon Twists for dessert, and a Medium drink, ~1500 calories if you don't modify anything.

I got one to split with my father, and I'll admit, um, I did enjoy some of the goodies in here.

And the box really is a deal - if you add up the items separately, it would cost $11.36!

Tacos

Taco Bell's biggest lineup is likely the tacos, they make up all combo meals, most promotions, etc, etc.  Offered in basic soft or crunchy, with choice of protein (beef/refried beans/black beans) as the standard price, steak or chicken for a free.  They come with just lettuce and cheese standard, but you can add tomatoes, onions, rice, jalapeno, "red strips", sauces, etc, or opt for a particular "style" to get some default changes - "fresco" to replace dairy and mayo with tomatoes for example, "supreme" for sour cream and tomatoes.

Slightly more exciting is the partnership with Doritos®, with the "Nacho Cheese Doritos® Locos Taco", which upgrades (?), the crunchy shell for a crunchy Doritos based shell.

Their version of Chalupas (fried shell) and Gorditas (flatbread around crunchy taco with 3-cheese filling between the shells)  round out the "taco-like" menu.

Nacho Cheese Doritos® Locos Tacos. $2.39.

The last time I had a free taco at Taco Bell, I opted for the refried beans rather than standard ground beef, and made it "fresca", with pico de gallo instead of dairy, as it was about to be discontinued.

This time, I kept it basic, no customizations.

On the outside, it looked the same, signature Doritos Locos Tacos holder, only this time with cheese spilling out.

Nacho Cheese Doritos® Locos Tacos. $2.39.

"A crunchy taco shell made from Nacho Cheese Doritos® is filled with seasoned beef, crispy lettuce, and shredded cheddar cheese."

Well, wow.  This was not very good.  At all.

Obviously I got it for my dad, but I was curious about the ground beef.  I *do* like beef.  

I didn't try the shell, as I have never liked it, and do not like Doritos.  The lettuce was ... lettuce.  The cheese was even more lackluster than I expected, literally just the shredded cheese haphazardly applied on top the lettuce.  I ... knew it wouldn't be melted on but kinda thought it might be adjacent to the beef so it melted a little from warm beef?

And then that beef.  Wow, I did *not* like it.  Mushy, and I didn't realize it was in some kind of ... sauce? Or it was just that mushy and water that with the seasoning it seemed like a sauce?  It was awful.

I don't have a zero star, or negative star rating, but this makes me consider it. No points here.

Soft Taco. Beef. Fresco (December 2020). $1.89.

A month later, I tried again, ordering for dad, a Soft Taco this time, his request.  Tried the beef again, to give it another try.  And went Fresco style, knowing that the pico de gallo was gone, but curious about the tomato quality.

I tried only the beef, just a tiny forkful, and wow, yes, my prior experience seemed to be how their beef is, and it was truly awful.  The texture I just can't get past.  I can't explain what is wrong with it, but there is something just truly foul about it.  ZOMG.  

NEGATIVE STARS that beef!

Fresco as of Dec 2020: just tomatoes.

Taco Bell discontinued the pico de gallo, so Fresco now just gives more tomatoes, which I asked to have on the side so I could evaluate.

Um, yeah.  As expected, pale, flavorless cubes.

*.

Chalupa Supreme, Refried Beans. $3.89.

"FRIED FOOD: A CULINARY MAGIC TRICK

 

If frying food is like hiring a famous wizard to put a spell on it, then the Chalupa Supreme is the ultimate hex. A hex you totally want that is.

You start with something completely ordinary and unexciting, but still something to be desired. Something you know is destined for greatness but it just needs that extra push to really make it mystical and supernatural. Then, you realize what that extra something is and you magically turn it into your favorite food after only a few seconds. That’s all, a few seconds. Oh, you don’t believe in magic, huh? Well, this just got awkward. Would you like a handful of cold potato shavings with your skepticism? No? How about potato chips? Exactly. Do you want this piece of bread shaped like a tire? Gross. Well how about a donut? Boom. Willing to walk away from the latest deep fried concoction at the county fair? Yeah, that’s what we thought. This is what you get with the Chalupa: beautiful witchcraft. All it’s magicalness in one perfect package. Take a traditional flatbread, something already awesome in its own right, and fry it. How does the saying go? Everything is better fried? Something like that, right. Or so we’re told. Once the flatbread is fried, you suddenly have a shell that mysteriously marries chewy and crispy; pure sorcery and pure perfection. Hold onto your wand because we’re not done yet. Fill the flatbread shell with seasoned beef, a three-cheese blend, lettuce, tomatoes, and reduced fat sour cream, and you get a Dante-esque culinary anomaly. You get the Chalupa Supreme. The only greater fried magic trick known to man is turning arbitrary dough splashes, into funnel cake. Now that is nothing short of a miracle. Neither is the Chalupa Supreme. Try one, we dare you."

Ok, now we were getting to something interesting.  Or at least, deep fried.  I'll admit, I was actually, um, excited to try a Chalupa, available in both a regular version, or, the latest innovation, with "6-month-aged cheddar toasted onto the iconic Chalupa shell".  I opted for the original, which comes with beef standard, but knowing how horrible the beef was, opted for refried beans instead.

So, besides fried, what is a Chalula?

First, the shell, the part I was oh-so-curious about.  It is *not* just a crunchy taco shell, or a fried flour tortilla.  Oh now.  It is a fried flatbread shell, much much thicker, puffier, and able to soak up more oil.

And inside?  Seasoned beef (or your substitution), three-cheese blend, lettuce, tomatoes, and reduced fat sour cream.

Fried. Cheesy.  Creamy.  Some "fresh" bits.  I had hope, at least to enjoy the shell dunked in salsa if nothing else.

I was reasonably impressed.

The shell had some strong points - I did love the textural contrast of the crispy exterior, and the softer interior, the thick flatbread works very well here.  It had great bubbles on it, nicely fried, but quite heavy and oily tasting.  It did *not* taste good for you, no question.  Sadly it wasn't very warm, if it was hot and fresh, I could see it being much, much better.

But still, I liked the shell, particularly when smothered in fillings.

***+ for the shell.

Chalupa Supreme: Inside.

So, the fillings.

The refried beans were standard Taco Bell refried beans.  No better nor worse than any fast food, canned, etc, refried beans.  Creamy bean mush.  Not what I want by the spoonful, but nice to have with the shell.

I really don't care for the unmelted 3-cheese blend, so I kinda pushed that aside, the tomatoes were as lackluster and flavorless as came with the Fresco taco, so they joined the cheese.  The lettuce was fine, but yeah, just shredded iceberg.  Nice to have a fresh component, and I had brought extra with me, as I knew I'd need it.

And finally, the sour cream.  It was, um, entirely on the front <1" of the Chalupa.  Literally none anywhere else.  Thanks person who made this for the love and care.  But, I did really want sour cream, and it was fine.

I didn't eat mine as a "taco" exactly, but opted to do it more like a Mexican Pizza, open faced, with crispy shell, smothered in mushy refried beans, sour cream, TONS of Mild salsa (I really like it!), and some fresh lettuce, and actually quite enjoyed this, besides wishing that the shell was hot, and less greasy.

I wouldn't get it again, but it was fun to try, and gave me hope that there actually is Mexican food out there (not at a fast food restaurant, heh), that I can really enjoy.

**+ for the fillings, standard low-end fast food quality.

*** overall.

Burritos

Burritos I rarely hear people mention when they speak of Taco Bell, but Taco Bell does have a decent burrito line up, obviously just the classic version, which you can get grilled as a "Style", or a Quesarito (yup, burrito but with a nacho cheese quesadilla wrapping it instead of standard tortilla), or a Grilled Cheese Burrito (cheese grilled into the exterior, melted into the inside, and nacho cheese sauce inside for good measure), or the 5-Layer Burrito which kinda just mixes all the styles together.  I think the signature Crunchwrap also counts as a "buritto" in their minds, a flour tortilla made into a very different shape and grilled, filled with all sorts of stuff including nacho cheese and, um, a tostada shell - yes inside.

Beefy 5-Layer Burrito. $2.99.

"NO ROOM FOR LETTUCE

 

Sorry, lettuce, RSVP is closed. The Beefy 5-Layer Burrito has got some strict rules and we’re not trying to rebel against them.

No, I get it, your friend Seasoned Beef is DJing tonight. That’s so cool, but we don’t really care. Sorry, not sorry. Unless you’re on the list, you can’t get in. Simple as that. If we let one guy in, well, you know how it goes. We gotta let everyone in. And we just don’t have the authority to do so nor do we really want to. *shoulder shrug* Oh, you’re a personal friend of the promoters Beans and Cheese? That’s really cool too *sarcastic tone*. Well, how about you give them a call, let them know you’re out here in the Beefy 5-Layer Burrito line, and maybe I can let you in. Yeah, maybe they’ll come out and get you and walk you to your “table” you have reserved at the Beefy 5-Layer Burrito. Oh, you don’t have their number? That’s quite convenient. Did you get a new phone? Oh, they got a new phone and never got around to giving you their new number. Well, that right there says more than anything.

Oh, I see, so now your dad owns the club, huh? You sure know a lot of people here. Well, the owner Reduced Fat Sour Cream is coming down from his office right now, so I’m sure he’ll take you, being his child and all, straight to the VIP lounge where you belong huh? Sir? What’s wrong? You look like you’re getting pretty nervous. Oh, you don’t know this guy? Interesting. That’s what I thought. Hey nacho cheese sauce! Get this lettuce character out of my sight; I don’t want him anywhere near the door to this Beefy 5-Layer Burrito. They don’t call it the Beefy 5-Layer Burrito because they have some winkling as bodyguards out front. No, they have beefy bodyguards to keep out all the club crashers. Sorry Lettuce, maybe not maybe next time."

Of course I went big.  Why get a simple thing when you can get, um, a ridiculous creation?  The 5-layer Burrito.

So, this thing.  I really don't know what the 5 layers are exactly.  

Yes, inside, at the core is a burrito, one loaded with basically everything creamy: refried beans, cheese, beef, sour cream ... and it comes wrapped in not one, but two flour tortillas, with nacho cheese sauce between them, like an outer quesadilla basically.  So I think the 5 layers are: flour tortilla, nacho cheese sauce, flour tortilla, beef, beans ... and they don't count the sour cream or other cheese layer? Maybe?  I don't know.

Anyway, standard recipe is that, of course you can modify the beef and beans as you please, and add more in.  This one you can also get Grilled as a style, which I opted for, because grilled burritos are always sooo much better!

I did order it with black beans instead of beef, but, my order came with beef.

From the outside, it didn't look particularly impressive.  It looked like, well, a nicely stuffed burrito, lightly grilled, not that extensive contact with the grill, clearly.  The outer burrito was ... fine? I mean, it is a flour tortilla.

Tortilla (this one and inside one): standard, **, not my thing.

Beefy 5-Layer Burrito: Cross Section.

Of course I cut it in half to understand it better, and to get a chance to go right for the glory, rather than deal with an unstuffed end piece.

Here you can start to see what was inside.  Between the two layers of tortilla was melty nacho cheese sauce.  This layer wasn't nearly as thick or generous as I wanted, given how tasty that nacho cheese sauce was.  I mean, yes, just generic, low brow, plastic, fake orange cheese sauce, but I really did enjoy it (I may have tried to dunk some Chalupa shell into it ...

Taco Bell has chips and nacho cheese sauce on the menu, and this sort of inspired me to want to try those.

Nacho cheese sauce? ***+.

Beefy 5-Layer Burrito: Another Cross Section.

I cut another section hoping to find more cheese sauce, but alas, that really was about as cheesy as it got, from the nacho cheese.

But of course there was the entire inside of this beast to consider too.

It was stuffed full of (horrible) taco beef (that yes, I had ordered black beans instead, grrrrr), refried beans (creamy mush as usual, but I don't mind it), TONS of sour cream, and a decent amount of quasi-melted other cheese.

The fillings were fine, about what you'd expect.  It definitely didn't have any fresh fillings, and no rice, and no red sauce like the standard burritos, but it was all quite creamy, saucy, and combined nicely.

I think if you liked their beef, or if you were successfully able to order without, that this really would be a satisfying, all-in-one, package, a good "on the go", easy item.  Sure, add some salsa as you please, but it had everything else you needed all nicely packaged up.

***+, not that I want another, as I don't care for flour tortillas, but, a nice item.

Sweets

Not exactly what Taco Bell is known for, but they do offer two dessert items: Cinnabon Delights® and Cinnamon Twists.

Cinnamon Twists. $1.

"Do the twist. The Cinnamon Twist. Just a simple, innocent, delicious cinnamon sugar snack. Or is it?

Just kidding. That’s all it is. Simple and innocent but equally delicious. It’s a traditional classic, not unlike the classic old-timey dance it shares a name with. Which, we’re totally not dogging by the way for all you old souls out there who enjoy reminiscing a simpler time and doing the twist on a Saturday night. We get it. New dance moves are always the new craze and it goes back for years. Even today we have new dance crazes what seems like almost every other month. It’s funny to think that not too long ago, the twist was actually how people got their groove on, though. Like we said, times were much simpler, but the times weren’t too long ago. Luckily for you, you can still do the twist by getting you some Cinnamon Twists.

But if the saying “history repeats itself” is true, then, well, don’t be surprised if you see people twist and shout and start using the words like groovy and nifty to describe things that people think are cool. Also, don’t be surprised when people now incorporate the classic dance move with Taco Bell’s iconic Cinnamon Twist. Wouldn’t that be a sight? It’ll give the dance move a whole new meaning. Someone, hurry. Get your phone and record yourself doing the twist with Cinnamon Twist. Let’s see how viral this can go. Recording yourself doing the twist, something you wouldn’t see back in the day. But wouldn’t that be funny? You know what’s even more hilarious though? Realizing we used to do the Twist, but now we’re into stuff like the NaeNae and Twerking. Just wait till you have to explain to your grandchildren the Harlem Shake."

Taco Bell Cinnamon Twists have a rather cult following.  People were so confused by them when they were introduced.  What *were* they made of? What *are* they?  It didn't take long for an employee to post a video, for people to "discover" the myster, that they were ... fried pasta, coated in cinnamon and sugar.  What?!  I'm not sure that is entirely accurate, but, the twists are made from just wheat flour, rice flour, and corn meal, plus, well, cinnamon, sugar, and oil.

I do love fried dough, and cinnamon sugar all over things, so I had hope for these.  I did think they'd be warm, but alas, they were not, even when I got them "fresh".  

They were crunchy, and did have cinnamon-sugar all over them (some more than others), but ... they were pretty lackluster to me.  Crunchy but fairly flavorless, a bit greasy, and the cinnamon sugar wasn't really that dominant.

Eh.  Not sure why people are excited about these.

**, and would not get again.

Update Review, October 2020

Yeah, yeah, I don't really like Mexican food, or tacos, or Taco Bell tacos (at least when I tried before, these certainly weren't part of my growing up), but, um, I can't resist a freebie.  Plus, I was fairly certain that the last free taco I got there was *not* the correct one.  I was curious ... plus, my experience of breakfast at Taco Bell Cantina really was decent enough ...

Nacho Cheese Doritos Tacos Experience.

"Whether or not you're a baseball fan, Taco Bell is offering an incentive to pay attention to World Series 2020. For the ninth year in a row, the fast-food chain will give away free Doritos Locos tacos if a base is stolen during the postseason series with its "Steal a Base, Steal a Taco" promotion."

So, yes, I was drawn in by the freebie.  Every year, apparently for 9 years, Taco Bell does this giveaway, a free Doritos Locos taco for everyone if there is a base stolen during postseason.  It is usually a complete disaster, establishments slammed, quality control through the roof, and, as I suspected when I did go once, not even the correct item.

This year however, they added a bonus.  For members of their club, you still got the free one along with everyone else, but the week prior, you also could, at your leisure, order another one, for free.  And you could customize as you pleased (paying for upgrades if necessary).

This sounded easy and a win-win, so, I placed my order on mobile, and got ready to walk in to pick up at the Taco Bell in town, October 2020, yes, during Covid.  When I arrived however, I found that the store was only allowing drive through, and, I kid you not, the drive through line, at 4:45pm on a Sunday, had ... at least 15 cars.  Maybe 20.  I hoped it would move fast.  Note that this location was a combo Taco Bell and KFC, all sharing the same drive through.

The drive through ... did NOT move fast.  Again, I kid you not ... 38 minutes.  38 minutes!  In a tiny town in New Hampshire, when I had placed my order already on mobile.  Luckily (?), they don't actually start your order until you reach the first drive through window, the order placing window, which, um, defeats the whole purpose, particularly as they are making EVERYONE go through drive through.  Sigh.

I was quite frustrated, and I wish I could say it was worth it ...

NACHO CHEESE DORITOS® LOCOS TACOS: Holder.

When I saw the holder for my taco, I was quite impressed.  Seriously, how fun does that look?  Also, it is what made it very obvious that my previous taco was most certainly not actually the right one.

The moment I saw the shell, it was double clear that the previous taco, as I suspected, was totally NOT the Doritos Locos taco.  This one was brilliant orange, as I had expected.

NACHO CHEESE DORITOS® LOCOS TACOS.
Sub beans for beef / "Make it fresco". $2.39.

"You get the same great taste of a Crunchy Taco (just like its supreme version) but with the shell made out of Doritos® tortilla chips. That’s the Nacho Cheese Doritos® Locos Taco for you. 

This taco normally comes with ground beef, shredded cheese, and lettuce, but I opted for beans instead of beef, a free substitution, mostly because I had tried the beef before, but also, I can't say I expected great beef.  You can also opt for the black beans free of charge, or upgrade to chicken or steak for additional fees.  I went for "fresco" style (more on this soon), also free of charge.  Other optional add ons are chopped tomatoes, jalapeño peppers, onions, rice, or "red strips", along with a host of sauces.  While I adore sauces, I stuck with the free ones, and just asked for all the different sauces.

So, let's start with the shell, the compelling, or at least interesting, part of the Doritos Locos taco.  It ... was, yup, a crispy taco shell, that tasted like nacho cheese Doritos.  Exactly what it said it would be.  Seriously, if you like nacho cheese Doritos, and you want your taco made with them, get this.  It was fresh and crisp, nothing bad to say about it, but, uh, I don't like nacho cheese Doritos?  This was free, and I was curious, but otherwise I'd never get it.  I brought it home for my dad.

The beans, refried style, were fine.  Mushy, standard, refried beans.  Not much more to say there.  They were fine.

Same with the shredded lettuce.  It was fine.  Standard lettuce.  Not brown or wilty.  Fine.

It clearly had a couple bits of tomato in it, likely the fresco style that they added on, realized I asked for it on side, and removed.  Heh.

Normally this gem would cost $2.39, which honestly seems like a bit much, but was free as part of the promo.

Salsa Verde on the side: nice container!

Benefit of a combination Taco Bell and KFC?  Nice containers!

I opted for fresco style on the side, and it came in a nice reusable KFC container.  Score.

I appreciated that they even had a checkbox for "on the side" with the fresco style, clearly a common request, to prevent things from getting soggy perhaps?

Pico De Gallo (on the side).
Included with Fresco Style (normally $0.35).

"Replace dairy, mayo-sauces, and guacamole with pico de gallo."

You can make any taco "fresco style", which is supposed to appeal to the healthier, or perhaps vegan, crowd.  My taco would normally have cheese, but I knew it wouldn't be nicely melted on anyway, and the pico de gallo was getting discontinued in less than 2 weeks, so this was my chance to try it.

It certainly didn't look great, the tomatoes were, um, not exactly red, but the taste was good, just classic pico with onions and tomato, but, it had some flavor.  It definitely added freshness to the taco, I'd recommend it, but alas, it is gone from menu now.

Since I opted for the fresco style, the pico de gallo was free, as it replaced the cheese, normally this would be a $0.35 add on.

Original Review, October 2012

As part of the world series, Taco Bell decided to offer up a crazy promotion: if anyone stole a base during the series, they'd give away free Doritos Locos Tacos one afternoon.  Of course, it happened, so the deal was on.  I've never been to a Taco Bell, and had absolutely no intention of taking them up on this lovely offer, no matter how much I love freebies.  I was pretty sure there was no way I'd possibly like it, and I certainly wasn't about to go stand in a ridiculous line for a <$2 free taco.

While I was out running errands, I saw numerous people walking past me chopping on their free tacos.  I still had no intention of stopping in.  I glanced at the Taco Bell as I passed it, ready to (silently of course) mock the people standing in the line.  But, much to my surprise, there was absolutely no line.  At 5pm.  So strange! Of course, now my curiosity peaked.  No line, and a free taco, and it was Taco Tuesday after all, and I was a little hungry ...

So I went in.  It was easy to see why there was no line, they were churning them out constantly.  People basically walked in, nodded at the cashier, and she handed over a taco.  They weren't fake ringing them up or anything, so there was nothing to slow down the process.

I got my taco, grabbed some of the "salsas" to try out, and went on my merry way.  However, I'm pretty sure I received a regular taco, not a Doritos Locos taco.  The shell was supposed to be nacho cheese Doritos flavor, and it most certainly didn't taste anything like a Dorito.  And when I looked at photos online later, those shells were orange colored, and mine wasn't.  Strange.  I wonder if they had run out of the Doritos shells, and she just wasn't telling anyone?

Crunchy Taco.  $1.89.

Described as "A crunchy, corn taco shell filled with seasoned ground beef, crisp shredded lettuce, and real cheddar cheese."

The taco shell was an incredibly generic corn taco shell.  Crunchy.  Basically the same as what you can buy in those taco kits at the grocery store.  I wish I'd gotten the actual Doritos one, as it would at least be somewhat novel!

The lettuce was shredded iceberg, not really crisp, not really ... anything.  I forgot how banal iceberg lettuce is.

Then there was some "real cheddar cheese", just shredded cheese, totally generic, no real flavor, just tasted like processed cheese.  Since it was the last component on the taco, it didn't melt into the meat or anything.  Meh.

The meat was seasoned ground beef, inoffensive enough, but, uh, I kinda wonder how beefy it really was.  It did have some seasoning.  It was only lukewarm, but I'm guessing that is because these were being made en masse.

Basically the most generic taco you could possible get.  It reminded me of the taco kits we used to make when I was a kid.  Absolutely no reason in the world to ever get one of these again.

Assorted Salsas.

• Verde: Watery green sauce.  Slightly more flavor than the verde from Nick's Crispy Tacos, but not a whole lot going on here.
• Hot: Very, very watery red sauce.  Not remotely hot, no real flavor, tasted like watery tomato paste.
• Fire: Thicker than the hot sauce, but entirely smooth, no traces of any vegetables in here.  A tiny amount of flavor.  Best of the bunch, but that isn't saying much.
  

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Joe & Seph's Popcorn

Update Review, 2022

I reviewed a couple interesting flavors of Joe & Seph's popcorn before when I found them on a BA flight (hello, marmite popcorn!), and on my flight this year, I was excited to see what flavor would be waiting for me.

Sadly, it wasn't an exciting one, just, caramel corn, their most popular flavor.  That said, Joe & Seph's has quite an extensive caramel corn lineup, 22 different flavors to be exact, but my flight offered just the run of the mill "Caramel & Sea Salt" flavor (why not "Caramel Macchiato & Whisky"? Why not "Irish Coffee Liqueur with White Chocolate Caramel"?).  At least it wasn't the "Classic Caramel"?

Caramel & Sea Salt.

"Air-popped popcorn coated by hand in our smooth buttery caramel and flakes of Sea Salt, resulting in an intense contrast of sweet and salty. "

It was fine popcorn.  Crisp.  Fresh tasting.  Well coated kernels.  Very buttery.

I have nothing negative to say about it, but it wasn't exactly exciting either. ***.

Original Review, 2018

Joe & Seph's is a gourmet popcorn manufacturer in the UK.  I discovered their products on my first trip to London a few years ago, and I'm always eager to try their new flavors, as, well, the range is extensive.

For example, consider cheesy popcorn.  They don't just make cheddar cheese popcorn ... no, they have blue cheese with walnut & celery. Or goat cheese & black pepper.  Or Olive oil, mozzarella, & tomato.  Or camembert. The list goes on.

But the cheesy popcorns are nothing compared to other options in the savory range, as it includes options like madras curry, black onion seed & lime.  Or Thai style peanut satay.  

And then there are the sweet options, which go far beyond the standard caramel corn (which, of course, they do have too).  But you can also get that caramel corn with mirin, soya, & sesame.  Or with coconut & cinnamon.

Or you can go fruity, opting for toffee apple & cinnamon.  Or lemon poppyseed.  Or orange marmalade.  Or how about orange chocolate?  Or strawberries & cream ... yes, in a popcorn.  

Want something more dessert like?  How about strawberry cheesecake?  White chocolate & raspberry?  Gingerbread?  Gingerbread latte?  Mince pie?

Nutty?  Yup, maple syrup & roasted pecan?  Honey roasted sesame? 

The most crazy sounding product line to me is the cocktail collection, with ... gin & tonic (yes, popcorn).  Fruity cosmopolitan. Refreshing mojito.  Zingy margarita.  Brandy butter.  Irish coffee liqueur with white chocolate caramel. Espresso martini.

Chocolate lovers have options.  Nut lovers have options.  Booze lovers have options.  Those who want it caffeinated have options.  Some sound amazing.  Some don't.  I wanted to try them all.

My first encounter with Joe & Seph's was actually on a British Airways flight, and, I think they just had the basic caramel corn.  I remember trying it, and thinking it was fine, but I didn't write a review.

And then, on my next flight, things got more interesting.  The marmite showed up.

Marmine Popcorn.

"We're thrilled to be working with one of Britain's most iconic brands to add another unique flavour to our popcorn range!  Our Marmite Popcorn has been air-popped and generously coated in our smooth caramel and delicious Marmite, for a sweet and salty snack."

I knew this was going to be either something I loved, or hated.  I love sweet and salty combinations though, particularly with popcorn (I often alternate between sweet caramel corn and savory cheesy corn by the handful), so, this had potential.

I'll start with the positive.  The popcorn was large kernels, fresh, all well coated.

I think the caramel layer was decent too, but it is a bit hard to evaluate as ... well, that marmite.  Wow.

Such a strong, strange, strange flavor.  I tried to like it, tried to get past the unfamiliarity, but ... it made me want to gag, nearly every bite.  And that aftertaste ... shutter.  I just couldn't do it.

Well made popcorn, but, clearly not the the flavor for me. **.

Coconut & Chia Seed Popcorn.

"New for the Summer, our delicious Coconut & Chia seed popcorn is a beautiful blend of smooth caramel, with desiccated coconut and crunchy chia seeds."

The next flavor I tried was equally fascinating.  Not a flavor I would have ever picked as I hate chia seeds, but, it was what British Airways had to offer on the flight.

It wasn't immediately obviously good nor bad.  The popcorn was well coated in caramel, again, nice large kernels.  Sweet.  Crisp. And then it had vague coconut flavor in the background, which actually went nicely with the caramel.

And then the chia seeds.  They ... weren't offensive.  They actually tasted a bit like sesame seeds to me.  They added crunch.  And a bit of nuttiness.

In the end, I think I liked it. ***.

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Mitchell's Ice Cream

Update Review, September 2022

I still have not ever been to the Mitchell's store in the Mission, but, I recently discovered that Mitchell's has a stand at Spark Social, a food truck park, not that far from my house. Danger, danger.  

The Spark Social location serves up a basic menu of 8 rotating flavors, available in bowls or cups, or as a sundae or float.   Prices are high, but maybe that is just compared to the little sketchy Tenderloin deli I normally get my Mitchell's fix at (ICU Market, 6th & Mission, for the record, great Mitchell's lineup by the scoop, super cheap!).

Double Scoop: Macapuno & Mango. ~$9.

I was happy to see some slightly interesting flavors on the lineup, in addition to basic vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.  While none of my favorites were there, macapuno and mango are always good.  I got a double scoop, one of each.

Macapuno

"Sweet, meaty coconut imported from the Philippines."

I've had the macapuno before.  This is good coconut ice cream.  Smooth, creamy, decent coconut flavor.  It paired beautifully with the mango ice cream, and I think would go nicely with fresh mango as well.  I've also enjoyed it with taro cake, and mango sticky rice.  ***+.

Mango

"We’ve been importing the world’s finest mangoes from the Philippines since 1964."

My scoop of mango ice cream came from the very bottom of the tub, and was really quite melted.  I like melty ice cream, but, this was even slightly too melted as it was handed over, and quickly was just liquid given the hot day.  It was good, don't get me wrong, nice and fruity, paired great with the coconut, and oh so creamy, but, they lose a point for serving such melted ice cream.  ***+.

Double Scoop: Thai Tea & Grasshopper Pie. $~9.

My next visit, I was there early enough in the day to opt for caffeinated options.  I remembered liking the Grasshopper Pie before, and absolutely love the Thai tea, even though I knew they wouldn't really combine together all that well, I wanted them both.  And thus, I got both.

Thai Tea

"Thai Tea infused ice cream."

The first time I had Mitchell's Thai tea ice cream I wasn't that impressed, and I'm not sure why.  I've had it several times since, and love it.  Such strong tea flavor, sweet from condensed milk but not cloying, really, it tastes exactly like a Thai tea ... just, as ice cream.  I think it would pair well with coconut ice cream too (but yeah, did not really go with the mint and chocolate notes in the Grasshopper Pie ...).

This one remains a favorite for me these days.  Solid ****.

Grasshopper Pie

"Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream with Oreo Cookies and fudge swirls."

I remember adoring this one before, so I was pretty happy to see it offered.  I didn't like it nearly as much this time.  It didn't have much mint flavor, and really was just like cookies & cream ... and I don't like cookies & cream that much.  Not sure why I loved this so much before.  It was fine ice cream, don't get me wrong, just not my flavor.  ***.

Single Scoop: Grasshopper Pie Cone. $7.50.

"Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream with Oreo Cookies and fudge swirls."

Another visit, I decided to give the Grasshopper Pie another try, thinking I must have just not been in the mood the last time.

And ... hmm, yeah, I felt the same.  I didn't taste much mint, and while it was very, very generously loaded up with Oreos, I don't actually like Oreos (or cookies & cream things), and so that wasn't a draw for me.  I did love the fudge swirls, which somehow stay perfectly runny, but, overall, I'm really not sure why I liked this so much before.  Off my rotation!

***.

Original Review - 2018 - 2021 Visits

If you live in San Francisco, or have visited, and like ice cream, chances are you have at least heard of Mitchell's Ice Cream.  While Mitchell's may not have the crazy lines of famed Bi-Rite, the crazy flavors of Humphry Slocombe, and it isn't made with liquid nitrogen like Smitten, it is a Bay Area staple, for good reason.

Mitchell's has been around since the 1950s, and although their flavors have expanded, they still just have a single storefront, although you can also find their pints in grocery stores around town, or carried by restaurants and cafes.  If a restaurant serves a dessert with coconut, mango, or ube ice cream, chances are high it comes from Mitchell's.   Nearly every Thai restaurant with ice cream on the menu sites Mitchell's as their source.  Mitchell's is credited with bringing filipino flavors to the Bay Area ice cream scene, and their mango is their top seller to this day. 

"Our super-premium ice cream is rich and creamy, made with 16% butterfat cream. Choose from 40 flavors daily. Most of our flavors are gluten free and do not contain eggs, but please call us to ask about specific flavors if you have a gluten or egg allergy."

Mitchell's is a premium ice cream, all flavors use 16% butterfat, and the quality is obvious.  Some of these flavors are downright addicting, and I seek out Mitchell's wherever it can be found.

Ice Cream

Mitchell's makes 40 "Standard" flavors, in addition to a handful of Seasonal offerings (think: fresh peach in summer, all your standard Pumpkin, Eggnog, Cinnamon Snap, Peppermint Candy, etc in winter, and Irish Coffee for St. Patty's).  If you visit their shop, they are made fresh daily, along with homemade toppings for sundaes, ice cream sandwiches with fresh baked cookies, and yup, they make halo halo too.

I've never been to Mitchell's myself, but I've had their ice cream many, many times, ranging from as part of dessert at a restaurant, to a scoop from a cafe, to getting pints from a local market.  My favorite place to get Mitchell's at is ICU Market, a tiny corner store on 6th just past Mission, definitely NOT an area I would go to for any other reason, but, they always have 8 flavors of Mitchell's available, and have the best prices I've ever found.  A single scoop at Mitchell's itself is $5.  At ICU Market? $2.75.  And the scoops are HUGE.  They always offer samples, yes, even in Covid times.  I always order online in advance, and pick my flavors when I arrive, so I don't need to deal with paying cash.  They also deliver on all the standard platforms (Mitchell's directly, or, ICU Market if you want the better prices!)

Side note: Stuck doing a lot of takeout and delivery these days? Want to try some free food and new pickup or delivery services?  Here are some codes for free money!

• Door Dash ($15 off, $5 each of your first 3 orders) [ Delivery or pickup ]
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• Grub Hub ($10 off) [ Delivery or pickup ]
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• Uber Eats ($20 off - use code eats-lejw5 at checkout) [ Pickup or delivery ]

While there are a few flavors I didn't care for (dulce de leche was just too sweet), for the most part, I've really enjoyed most flavors.

ICU Market Line-up: Tropical 4, Mango, Coconut Pineapple, Oreo Cookie.

I sampled the "Tropical 4" and "Oreo Cookie" but did not get them.

Tropical 4:

"A delectable combination of mango, guava, banana and pineapple fruit."

This had potential, as I love mango and guava, but, I didn't really tasty any distinct fruits, just, kinda fruity.  The different fruits rather muddled each other it seemed.  This is a case where the sum of the parts didn't add up for me.

**+.

Oreo Cookie

"Madagascar bourbon vanilla blend with Oreo cookies."

Standard cookies-n-cream flavor, not really. my thing.  It had huge hunks of Oreo though, so kudos on that.

**.

Pineapple Coconut.

"Macaroon coconut and pineapple fruit imported from the Philippines."

Unlike the Tropical 4, Pineapple Coconut was a hit.  A lovely fruity flavor.  

Both the pineapple and coconut were quite noticeable in this, the fruity pineapple balanced by the slightly nutty coconut.  Definitely one you need to be in the mood for, but when the mood hits (the same kind of mood that inspires a piña colada?), a great flavor.

***+.

Update: I've gotten this again, and, it really grew on me.  Fruity but not too sweet, I found it very craveable.  ****.

Mango.

"We’ve been importing the world’s finest mangoes from the Philippines since 1964."

Mango.  Their signature flavor, the one that is still their number one seller, and really put Mitchell's on the map way back in the day.

The mango was, well,  mango.  Decent mango flavor, creamy quality Mitchell's base.  No surprises here.  Pairs nicely with sticky rice, fresh mango, and coconut cream.  You'll find this served at many Thai restaurants in SF.

***.

ICU Market Line-up: Thai Tea, Vanilla, Chocolate Chip, Ube.

I've gotten every flavor in this lineup:

Vanilla:

"Madagascar Bourbon Vanilla blended with Indonesian Vanilla."

This may not be an "exciting" flavor, but, the vanilla from Mitchell's is quite reliable.

Very high quality vanilla, rich, creamy, just, very good.  Far above average vanilla ice cream, recommended if you want a quality vanilla to pair with anything.

****.

I get this regularly, as it really is a great match for a warm piece of pie, a sticky toffee pudding, etc.

Thai Tea.

"Thai Tea infused ice cream."

The tea flavor in the Thai Tea is decent, with sweetness from condensed milk, some depth from black tea, but it was less intense of a flavor than I expected.  It was tasty enough used in a sundae with toasted coconut and coconut milk drizzle, but I wouldn't get it again, and wished I had sampled first.

**+.

Chocolate Chip.

"Madagascar Bourbon Vanilla blend with chocolate chips."

Mitchell's chocolate chip is exactly what you'd expect: their above average vanilla, with flecks of chocolate (not chips!).  No more, no less, but good distribution of nice sweet dark chocolate.

***.

Ube.

"Purple yam imported from the Philippines."

Much like taro, I adore anything ube, so I was thrilled to finally visit  ICU when they had ube to offer.

It was decent ube ice cream, creamy, rich, but not particularly strong ube flavor.  I was expecting more, honestly.  I like the (seasonal) Trader Joe's version more ...

***+.

ICU Market & Deli:
Spumoni, Halo-Halo, Oreo Cookie, Strawberry, Butterscotch Marble,
Chocolate Caramel Crackle, Cinnamon Snap, Coconut Pineapple.

One day in the winter, the offerings included a few seasonal options, "Cinnamon Snap" and Spumoni, along with some other greats.  I left with multiple large containers that day!

Butterscotch Marble

"Madagascar Bourbon Vanilla blend with butterscotch swirls."

I sampled the Butterscotch Marble one time, quite excited to see it, but found it too sweet.  This wasn't really a problem though, as I was plenty excited by the others.

A few weeks later though, forgetting I had sampled it, I got it without sampling, and enjoyed it more.  Still sweeter than I'd really like, and interestingly, Mitchell's has removed it from the menu.

**+.

Halo Halo.

"Based on a traditional Filipino dessert, Halo Halo includes buko, langka, ube, pineapple, mongo beans, sweet beans and kaong (palm fruit)."

Finally! Halo Halo, the flavor I was most excited for, that everyone raves about, that was, really right up my alle!  It was ... fine.  Honestly a bit disappointing.  This is what I get for not sampling it first, I'm not sure I would have gotten it if I had.

I didn't find all the promised goodies in it, and the base ube/taro (?) flavor wasn't nearly as strong as other flavors from Mitchell's.  I likely wouldn't get it again.

***. 

Halo Halo (May 2021).

Except of course I did get it again.

I liked it considerably more this time, as it seemed actually loaded up with goodies.  Red beans, sweet beans, and bits of this and that could easily be found.  All set against a creamy ube base.

I still think the ube flavor isn't as strong as I'd like, and I do find this one is best if you let it get a bit softer, not necessarily melty, but, the red beans and other bits can be a bit too hard if you have it direct from -12*F freezer.

***+.  Good, but just not as great as I want it to be.

Spumoni (Winter Seasonal).

"Madagascar Bourbon Vanilla blend and chocolate ice cream with natural rum flavoring, roasted California almonds, raisins, cherries and other dried fruit."

One day I went for the seasonal winter only Spumoni, without sampling first, drawn in by the promise of goodies in this one too.

It was ... very sweet. Very, very, very sweet.  I wish I had sampled it before getting it.

I did like the bits of dried fruit, and the cherry flavor, but, yeah, too sweet for me really to just have on its own.

**+.  I won't get this one again.

Coconut Pineapple, Mocha Fudge, Mango, Halo-Halo.

Another day, another visit to ICU.

I already had mango and coconut pineapple at home, so my order was easy this time: I'd get the other two!

Mocha Fudge.

"Colombian coffee with fudge swirls."

Mocha fudge was a totally random pick from me, and done without sampling first.  You'd think I'd know better.  But in this case, I was seriously rewarded for my "risk".

The fudge in here is LEGIT!!!  So thick, rich, and, well, chocolately.  Tons of it. Lovely mocha flavor in the base, lightly bitter, which went great with the fudge.  I loved this one.

****.

Update: 

I get this regularly.

The fudge is what makes this one, so much of it, and it manages to stay this perfect consistency, not hard, not too soft, just, perfectly melty.  The coffee flavor is far better than average as well, and together they form a really lovely treat.  I'd gladly get this again.  ****+.

Grasshopper Pie, Chocolate Chip, Vanilla, Caramel Praline.

I skipped vanilla and chocolate chip this time, as I still had some at home, sampled the caramel praline, and immediately fell in love.

Caramel Praline.

"Madagascar Bourbon Vanilla blend with caramel swirls and pralines (candy coated pecans)."

I sampled this, and fell in love.  I thought it would be like the butterscotch marble or dulce de leche that I didn't care for, but, this one was a sweet winner.

Yes, a sweet offering, no question, but I really enjoyed the crunch from the candy coated pecans, and the generous, gooey caramel ribbon.

A lovely sweet ice cream without any need for embellishment.

****.

Ube, Caramel Praline.

Update: Both Ube and Caramel Praline are repeat orders for me.  They aren't on my "must get" list, but, I enjoy both, and get them frequently when they come up on the rotation.

The ube I always wish was a bit more like the Trader Joe's version (I know, I know, but I really like the Trader Joe's one!), but it does have a subtle complexity to it, sorta like, well, uh, "complex vanilla", if that makes any sense.  ***+.

The caramel praline is super sweet, particularly when you get hunks of praline, but it makes it an easy "complete" ice cream. ***+.

Grasshopper Pie.

"Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream with Oreo Cookies and fudge swirls."

I ordered the Grasshopper Pie without sampling, and it was an odd choice for me as I don't care for Oreos, but, the fudge swirl called out to me, as I had loved it so much in the mocha fudge.

I'm glad I got this flavor.  It had a LOT going on - super minty base, chocolate chips, a generous fudge swirl, and huge chunks of Oreos - but it did come together nicely.   The mint even made me tolerate the Oreos, but I could do without the Oreos, as I expected.  The minty base and fudge swirl were enough to make me still really enjoy it.  Mitchell's really has nailed the fudge swirl.

****.

Thin Mint

"Peppermint ice cream with chocolate chips."

I've also had the Thin Mint, a more simple chocolate and mint flavor.  It had a base of fairly minty ice cream, with little flecks of chocolate.  Not that interesting, just simple mint chip, but not bad either.

***.

Grasshopper Pie.

Update: I got rather addicted to this flavor, and found myself actually craving it.  Sum of the parts, clearly much better than the parts themselves!

I've since gotten it a few times, and loved it every time.  The minty base starts it off well, the hunks of Oreo keep you digging, and the generous fudge swirls keep you coming back for more ... <3

****+.

Pistachio.

"Pistachio ice cream with California pistachios."

This is a lovely pistachio ice cream.  The base didn't have tons of pistachio flavor to it, and it wasn't unnaturally green like many other brands, but that was absolutely fine.  Super rich, creamy, quality ice cream base, and *tons* of whole pistachios studded throughout.

Far above average for a pistachio ice cream, and the generous amount of whole pistachios really made it fun to eat.

****.  Gladly would get again.

Cakes

Where there is ice cream, there is cake!  And even better, ICE CREAM CAKE!  

"Each of our decorated cakes is made with a layer of ice cream (choose from any of our currently available flavors), a layer of white or chocolate cake and a coating of vanilla or chocolate frosting. You can also personalize the cake with a message or name and add extras like almonds, chocolate crunch, fudge, fruit, and Oreos." 

Mitchell's of course makes ice cream cakes, very easy to customize with your choice of any of their ice creams, white or chocolate cake, frosting (again, chocolate or vanilla), and extra goodies to coat the sides or top.  They come in 7" or 9" rounds, or 1/4, 1/2, or full sheet cakes.

Custom 9" Round Cake. $47.

To celebrate our summer interns, one of the hosts created a custom cake.  He ordered from Mitchells because it was *his* favorite, and he picked all the flavors *he* wanted.  His choices were non-offensive, anyone would like them, but, not what I would have picked.  Of course, if I was ordering, I would have done something like the epic custom ice cream cake we had from Shakedown a few years prior (also for our interns, they make great excuses for parties!).

He put in the notes that he'd like it to be topped with frosting in the colors of the Chrome logo, and we were blown away with the result.  They didn't just put on some red, yellow, green, and blue, they actually made a stunning Chrome logo on top!

The choices he made were: chocolate cake, vanilla frosting, chocolate chip ice cream.  He splurged an extra $2 to put Oreo crumbles along the outside.

By the slice ...

So, breaking it down:

Chocolate Chip Ice Cream: "Madagascar Bourbon Vanilla blend with chocolate chips"
Since Mitchell's is an ice cream shop, this is where they were expected to shine.  And shine they did.  It was just really decent ice cream.  Creamy, obviously premium, good distribution of quality chocolate chips.  Not the ice cream flavor I would have picked, but I liked the crunch from the chips and really enjoyed the ice cream.

Chocolate Cake:
Now this I didn't really care for.  It was just kinda dry, hard (because partially frozen), kinda boring cake.  No deep chocolate flavor.  That said, I'm really not a cake girl, and I rarely like cake.  My favorite ice cream cakes are Carvel (I know, judge away), because of ... the magic crispies, and, well, lack of layers of actual cake.  Come on, you know you love the crispies too.  Crispies in ice cream cake are awesome, dry, hard cake, not so much.

Vanilla Frosting:
Sweet, fluffy frosting.  Not particularly "vanilla" flavored, but I liked it.  The layer was quite thin though, so I would have preferred even more.  Again, comparing to Carvel (I can't help it!  These are the ice cream cakes I grew up with, for every single birthday), Carvel always has more extensive sweet fluffy frosting.  I wanted more.  More!

Oreo:
The crumbles on the outside added a great crunch and additional chocolatelyness, so that was a smart addition, and went well with the chocolate chips.  I'm glad he opted to spend the extra $2!

Overall, this was quite enjoyable, just sans the chocolate cake.  Given that ice cream is their speciality, I wonder why they don't offer an ice cream only version, where you can pick two flavors of ice cream, instead of a layer of cake?  I liked the mint chip ice cream cake from Bi-Rite considerably more (less cake, more frosting/toppings), even though I prefer Mitchell's ice cream.

***.

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The Happy Vegan

Things I am not: vegan.  Gluten-free.  Into healthy cafes.  And yet, here I am, reviewing The Happy Vegan, which, as you may have guessed, is a vegan cafe.

The cafe is located in Bayview, however I did not visit it in person.  I can't really tell you anything about the cafe itself, but they do serve breakfast and lunch, along with assorted pastries and desserts.  The breakfast lineup includes plant-based omelettes, yogurt, acai, and oat bowls, waffles, and bagels.  Lunch has an assortment of salads, sandwiches, and vegan burgers and fries.  Everything, and I mean everything, is vegan.  And everything is also gluten-free. 100% plant based, 100% free of all major allergens.

I tried several baked goods, bagels, and sandwiches.  Every single one of them was clearly gluten-free, if you know what I mean.  The textures were just all off.  The vegan substitutes for meats and cheeses were very clearly fakes.  There is no way you'd be convinced these were regular items, which I found pretty surprising for a place that specializes in these types of goods.  That said, they were fascinating to try at least?

Baked Goods

Even though vegan and gluten-free baked goods aren't generally that great, I thought I'd try my luck, since the place clearly specializes in making everything both vegan and gluten-free, and, well, I just love baked goods too much NOT to try when given the opportunity.  The Happy Vegan has an always changing lineup with the seasons, but it includes muffins and quick breads for the morning, pies (apple, pumpkin), cheesecake, cookies, blondies, and streusel bars for dessert.  Off-menu, they also have donuts, seemingly only available for catering.

Pumpkin Muffin. $5.

For the fall, The Happy Vegan went a bit pumpkin crazy.  They had pumpkin pie.  Pumpkin cheesecake.  Pumpkin bread.  And, as I tried, the pumpkin muffin. 

The muffin was ... interesting.  It was a style I find fairly common with either gluten-free or vegan places, that is, very dense, not light and fluffy like a regular muffin.  You have to want a heartier, denser muffin to enjoy it.  But the pumpkin flavor was good, it was nicely spiced (not too much nutmeg!), and felt very seasonally appropriate.

It came with toasted pumpkin seeds on top, which added a nice crunch.

Overall, a decent item, but you certainly would not be tricked into thinking it was a regular muffin.  ***+.

Banana Chocolate Chip Muffin. $5.

Next up, I tried the banana chocolate chip muffin, another quite dense item.

My first feedback?  If I hadn't read the sign saying this was banana chocolate chip, I wouldn't have known it.  I did not taste any banana, which was a real surprise, as banana is usually a pretty strong flavor.  I could see little flecks of brown when I looked closely at the muffin inside, but, I truly did not taste any banana.  The chocolate chip component was only slightly more noticeable, my muffin had perhaps 4 chips total.  I did like the little bit of sugar on top.

Like the pumpkin muffin, it was a heavy, dense muffin, with an extremely tight crumb structure.  The flavor had a hint of something to it, that I couldn't quite identify, but my brain just noted as "healthy".  When warmed up with a touch of water, it entirely disintegrated into mush (I tried half warm to see if it was better that way, and I added a splash of water to help steam it in my toaster oven ... and, yeah, it totally broke down, which regular muffins do not do!).  

So, not any banana flavor, only a couple chips, and again an odd texture, but it wasn't awful, just, not anything like a regular muffin, and certainly not for those who wanted banana.  ***.

Everything Bagel. $4.
Plant Based Cream Cheese, Butter, Chive & Onion Cream Cheese. $2 each.

The Happy Vegan makes 3 kinds of bagels:  plain, everything, and cinnamon raisin.  

I tried the everything bagel.  It was ... well, not very good.  It tasted gluten-free in every way imaginable.  Odd texture, odd chew, odd flavor.  It was a kinda hearty wheat base, as were the plain bagels.  It was heavily crusted in seeds on one side, with basically none as you see here on the other.  It was a little better when I toasted it, but, as someone who doesn't need to be gluten-free, I'd never get this.

*+ bagel.

I was pretty skeptical about the vegan spreads for the bagel too, but, hey, I wanted to try them all.  I started with the most promising, the chive & onion cream cheese.  While it had some flavor from the chive and onion, it mostly was just, well, for lack of a better word, odd.  Slightly bitter.  Slightly grainy.  Slightly sour.  Slightly sweet.  I didn't particularly want a second bite.  *.

Next up, the regular cream cheese, not that I expected that to be any better.  I think it was even worse.  Slightly sour, slightly sweet, grainy.  Tasted like tofu sorta.  I really did not like this. *.

And finally, the butter, which was strangely separated.  It also had an off taste to it, and it didn't spread well, even when I left it at room temperature for a while, and stirred it up. *.

Blueberry Donut.

Ok, now we were getting to something I was more excited by.  Donuts!  I eagerly grabbed the blue one.

The frosting was generously and evenly applied.  I thought it would taste blueberry, but, alas, it was just blue colored plain icing.  Good enough, sweet icing, but, yes, plain.

The cake part is where the blueberry element came in, with tiny blueberries studding the cake.  They gave perhaps tiny pops of flavor, but blueberry forward this donut was not.  Also, um, while it was ring shaped, this really was not a donut.  I'm fairly certain it was baked, not fried.  And the cake part?  Yes, it was very clearly gluten-free.  Slightly strange texture (*very* strange texture for a donut, just slightly strange for a bundt cake) and density.  It tasted like, well, healthy, cake? 

This donut looked much better than it was, lacked in blueberry flavor, and really was not a donut.  **.

Maple Donut.

If at first you don't succeed ... yup, I tried the other donut, this one maple.

This one was different from the blueberry in that the icing was actually flavored, it was quite strong maple flavor, sweet, and quite enjoyable.  And like the blueberry donut, it was very generously frosted.  So, frosting, quite good.

The donut cake part though, was much like the blueberry in its non-fried and odd texture nature, but also, it was entirely plain.  So, plain cake, but with tasty maple frosting.  Eh. *** for the frosting, but the cake part is bad enough that this is still just a **+ overall.

Sandwiches

The Happy Vegan has a fairly large sandwich menu, which at first glance, reads like that of any other cafe: tuna salad, BLT, caprese for cold subs, chicken cheesesteak, chicken parmesan, tuna melt, meatball marinara, grilled cheese, etc for hots ... and then you realize, wait, these are all vegan.  What is the "cheese" in the cheesesteak, the parm, and the caprese?  What is the chicken, the bacon, the meatballs ...  yes, they are all plant based.  And of course, all served on gluten-free bread.  I had my doubts.

Caprese. $9.

"Pesto, generous amounts of mozzarella and tomato, lettuce, olive oil & balsamic dressing on freshly toasted ciabatta bread."

I started with the caprese, quite interested by the idea of vegan mozzarella.

The mozzarella looked at first glance like it may be normal, but, it was considerably softer and slimier than its non-vegan counterpart would be.  It tasted like ... I'm not quite sure what, I think kinda like soft tofu.  The texture was not particularly pleasing.  That said, it was sliced thick and the portion generous.

The other fillings were fairly average: sliced tomato, shredded iceberg, nothing fancy there.  The pesto had a bit of an odd taste to it, which, I guess you'd expect, as it can't have cheese in it either.  It was a bit bitter.  It was strange to have both pesto AND olive oil and balsamic dressing in there, and it ate a bit oily.

And then, the bread.  It had a strange, grainy, mealy texture, and in this untoasted form (even though it said it was toasted, it didn't seem to be), it wasn't good.  That said, I did toast it at home, and it was considerably better, although the texture was still all off.

Overall, it was fascinating to try the mozzarella, the tomato was fine, but otherwise, not for me.  **+.  The $9 price is pretty reasonable given the speciality ingredients.

BLT Sub. $9.

"3 strips of bacon, lettuce, tomato, mayo on freshly toasted ciabatta bread."

Next, I went for the BLT.  Mine was a bit of a lie, at least given the menu description, as it had only two, not the promised three, slices of "bacon".  I didn't mind.

The bacon was crispy, and fascinating, but it in no way tasted like bacon.  I didn't hate it, it was nicely salty, and savory, and it added a great crunch, but, very clearly not bacon.  The dark spots on it made it look even more fake than it needed to.

This sandwich also had the same sliced tomato and shredded iceberg, again both fine.  It was also generously slathered on one side with vegan mayo, which tasted like regular mayo to me, and for that I was appreciative.  Creamy and rich, mayo.

This was much better than the caprese, and I did actually find the fillings tasty enough, but, the bread was again a letdown.  And the bacon really was not fooling anyone!  *** fillings, **+ overall.

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