Calico Cafe, Restaurant, Pizza, & Bar, Sydney

Sydney is a city full of delicious things.  But, at least for me, I learned pretty early on to embrace the food they excel at, and shy away from the places that are more like what I enjoy in the US.  Specifically, fine dining?  Eh.  Pricey and subpar compared to San Francisco or New York.  Thai food?  Incredible in Sydney, and makes me let down by Thai anywhere in the US.  Sushi?  Yeah, no.  Bubble tea, yogurt drinks, etc?  They do it best.  Cafe culture in general?  Sydney blows us away.  I learned this quickly, many years ago, when I lived there for a few months, and since then, my impressions remain the same.  There are some gems in other categories of course, Rockpool Bar & Grill never disappoints on the fine dining scene for example, but mostly, I've learned to stick to cafes, Asian cuisine, bubble teas, and trendy desserts.

And yet, on this visit, I ordered from Calico, a Mediterranean cafe/restaurant/bar/pizza place.  I know, such an odd choice, but I was drawn in by really craving octopus (which they had), the sounds of their dessert menu, and the cocktail lineup.  

Calico is open all day, with breakfast, lunch, and afternoon menu, and evening offerings.  My order was from the night menu.

"By night, visit us for a delicious dinner menu with fusion styled mediterranean food and tapas, including a range of meat dishes and vegetarian options for everyone to enjoy."

I wish I had anything positive to say about this place.  I guess, the plating was decent?  But literally every dish was not as the menu described, and nearly all of them were very poorly executed, some to the point of being inedible, even by someone who hates food waste.  I think I have given only one zero star review before this, out of thousands of reviews, but one dish was worthy of that honor.

I did order for delivery, using DoorDash, but I do not think delivery was the issue here at all.

Taramasalata. $28.

"Broad Bean Salsa & Raw Fish Roe."

To get started, I had a dip.  Calico has section of the menu full of dips, including your standard mediterranean offerings of hummus (two kinds, regular and pumpkin, because seasonal), baba ganoush, and taramasalata, the later of which I opted for, for three reasons.  First, I was in Sydney, many years ago, it was the first time I first ever had it, at the Sheraton on the Park (now Sheraton Grand) where they used to have it every night in the executive club with insanely good house made chips.  Being back in Sydney made me yearn for taramasalata, the association was so strong.  Second, I was still feeling let down by the taramasalata from Eléa in New York about two months prior, and wanted to redeem the dip in my head.  And third, because I was ordering delivery, I wanted to make the delivery worthwhile and get a bit more than I wanted that night, and, in particular, I knew a cold dip would be fine for delivery and I could eat most of it the next day.  It turned out, that wasn't necessary in any way.

Anyway, it came without anything to dip in it.  I realize the menu didn't say it would include flatbread, chips, veggies, or anything, but the menu also didn't have a mention of adding any of those either (neither the Door Dash menu nor their own on their website).  I imagine if I was in the restaurant a well trained server would ask if I wanted something to dip into my dip?  Anyway, that was a slight "oops" I guess on my part, but at least I had some crackers on hand.

The dish looked pretty attractive, even as takeout, although the sizable pool of oil was a bit much.  I'm all for good quality finishing oils, but, wow.  Particularly with no delightful bread to dunk in.

It looked better than it tasted.  Although it had a faint orange hue, it tasted basically like plain mayo.  I didn't taste the roe, and I didn't find little pops of texture.  This was fairly flavorless, although nicely creamy.  The oil of course did add flavor, and the topping of broad bean "salsa" was good (I think it was broad beans and their greens, sauteed in oil?), but, as a roe based dip, it let me down.  Nice consistency, unique toppings, but just not flavorful, and really quite expensive for a dip without dippers at $28.  **+.

Wood Fired Octopus. $34.

"Wood Fired Octopus Pickled Fennel, Preserved Lemon Sauce, Chili Pepper, Parsley."

I mostly ordered from Calico because I was really craving octopus.  Good, smoky, grilled or wood fired octopus.  Exactly what I had wanted, but failed to get, when I was in New York, and got the octopus from Eléa .  So when I saw "wood fired octopus" on the menu, and it came with things that sounded good (fennel!), I was in.  Even though I was in Sydney, the land of incredible Asian food, I went for Mediterranean, not what I usually do.  For this dish.

And wow, it let me down.  Not only was it not as described on the menu, with a zillion olives all over, which aren't listed on the menu (I'm not one for olives), it also was literally inedible.  The octopus was the chewiest I have ever encountered.  I've certainly had some poorly prepared octopus before, that was quite chewy, the kind that gives octopus a bad reputation, but this was in a league of its own.  My teeth literally could not cut through it.  A knife literally could not cut through it.  It was impossible to eat, truly impossible.  It nearly seemed raw?  It also had zero wood fired aspect to it, at least that I could taste as I tried to gnaw on it.  I tried several pieces, the bigger pieces, the little tentacles, and I couldn't chew a single one enough to swallow.  It was amazingly inedible.

As for the rest of the dish, it was basically some separated oil and thick viscous sauce, which I think was the preserved lemon sauce?  So much oil.  Even if the octopus had been better prepared, I would have found this very unappealing.  I don't like olives, so those were a loss too.  There was not a single element of this dish that was redeeming.  I sadly threw it all away.  Zero stars.

House Pickles. $13.

"House Made Assorted Pickles."

Another dish not as described on the menu.  "Assorted pickles" these were not.  It was all only fennel.  Crisp, acidic, but otherwise, just fennel.  The portion was also quite small, just a condiment container, for $13.  

*** for taste, but, ** for lack of variety and menu inaccuracy, and * for price, so, ** overall.

Burnt Basque Cheesecake. $22.

"Berry Coulis, Saffron Mascarpone."

At least I hope for the cheesecake ... I've been pretty into basque cheesecake lately.

Sigh.  Burnt?  Yes.  Basque style?  No.  Berries?  No.  Saffron Mascarpone?  No.  

Another item not as described on the menu.  Another extremely lackluster item.

The cheesecake was a big wedge slice.  Generous portion in girth, although very thin height wise.  It had definitely sunken in quite a bit.  It was also incredibly dry, and fairly flavorless, no real cream cheese flavor, and absolutely not basque style, no gooey center.  The cheesecake itself, not even average, far below. *.

How about the topping?  Well, not a berry coulis, but rather a sauce with cherries.  The cherries themselves were fine, although not fresh.  The sauce though just tasted bad, harsh, and the cheesecake was smothered in it.  The saffron mascarpone from the description was no where to be found.

I used the cherries on ice cream later, but otherwise, this was actually just trash, even when I tried it a couple different times, hoping it somehow got better. *.